Banal Hemorrhage

Someone remind me what a real dog is like. I have two of the most ineffective beings at dog-ing that I can think of. Pooping is one category in which our dogs choose to be different. Specifically Conan, the boy dog. He can’t compete in size (his poops are Hershey Kiss sized) so he seems to compete on area of coverage.  He chooses a little patch of land to coronate with his defecate, and he does it with the theatrics of a conquering Visigoth.  A thing I left out in the comic, because I respect my viewers, is that he consistently gets an erection while planting his pigmy pies. Every. Single. Time. So he’s balancing in two legs and skipping about with his butt shadowing his next target while sporting the most unsightly of anacondas. Fun fact about this comic, if you arrange the poops in a musical staff using an algorithm and play it back in an accordion, it sounds like crap. 

I'm a 45 year old, and the only things that have made me bleed are avocados and Cats. How proud my ancestors must be. Fought on the great wars so I can pierce the palm of my hand while cutting the symbol for a privileged life. God damned avocados.  I was also mangled by cats... beings that are 1/4th of my size.  And yet, every cat that has moved in with me has rendered my skin useless at some point, rent by savage claws. One of the worst ones almost required stitches.  And how? Most of the time the perpetrating action is simply kneading lovingly. But there are others... like the one time I was drunk and fell on the stairs while carrying Loki. I woke up and thought I'd been mugged. Or separating Khaleesi from the chihuahuas, Conan and Xena. Or surprising Eris while drinking from the toilet (she was drinking from the toilet, not me).   And yet, like the little evil scorpions that they are, we accept their nature. Part of their charm is that they could end you if t...

Buzzkill is one of my favorite kinds of comedy. Whether it's Dana Carvey with his Open Wound Man , or Dracht in Debbie Downer  I can't have enough of these characters. It's where comedy goes to die and I'm all in. Probably explains why my comics are so globally unpopular (womp-womp)! One of my faves of all time: Steve Carrel an Kristen Wiig at an awards show.   Steve Carrel didn't break character!

 Trying out one of my old comic ideas as a one panel.

In college, late nineties, I wrote a sophomoric paper about beauty standards and how the size of the ideal woman was shrinking. My whole life until then things were standardizing down to skinny and pale. Heroin chic was a thing. I believe that things are changing a little bit. Back then, the attempts to revitalize beauty standards were led by Benetton, a company whose solution was to jam together skinny girls of all colors.   Lately, you are seeing different bodies, faces and even skin conditions in billboards and, man, does it give me joy. One day even a pear shaped boy like me could be seen sporting tighty whiteys for all you ladies out there!  It only took like 40 years. I wonder why it takes so long to curb some things. Or should I say 'curve' in this context? Next in my list of things that I would love to see before I die: Metric system adopted in the US Tipping culture cancelled (fair wages) LGBTQ humans don't have to fight for their basic rights  Enragement do...

I blame our base impulses. “Making a Murderer” showed us all how much we wanted to believe in people’s innocence against the police. The little guy was a victim of the shoddy and authoritarian police force! Yes, that may have been true in part but the victim is also an animal-torturing, woman stalking person who extremely likely did the murders when all the evidence is presented.  It started a wave of documentaries casting doubt on totally guilty people. We all want to believe the little guy against the system, like in Serial and others. But honestly, some of these peeps are bad mofos and do not need our defense.  What's next, a 7 season long doc on WW2? "Hitler: Victim of Nuremberg or Authoritarian Genocidal Maniac" Are we not entertained enough?

This is another of my fantasies in which I'm not at fault for my sloppy household skills.  I usually avoid gender stereotypes. I believe every man can be as strong as an average single mom and every woman could be as evil as your toxically raised man. When it comes to the phenomena described in today's comic, I have my doubts. When have you seen the perceptively poor behavior occur in a woman? When has it been a woman, by biology or by identity, the one who says "I can't find it?" Never! Whether it is a husband to a wife or a boy to a mom, it is only males who fumble about and give goofy glances and fail to find things. If there's one thing I know at age 45 it is that men, boys and adults are not good at looking for things and that it is in our gender. I imagine some of you may be thinking that this is a lazy cop-out, but I am confident that academia will find proof of this self-evident assertion!  Thus, I implore women, have pity on us.... there may be somet...

There's no way that Elon thought his move through. Some people hypothesize that he is playing 4-D chess, but honestly I doubt he's even playing Candyland. The only way I can see this purchase as successful is if his goal was curing people's addiction to Twitter or increasing the amount of dirt in the world.  Any wired person alive the past 20 years would have been able to tell you that his ideal Twitter was done in the past, but it was called 4-Chan. And what a cesspool that was. I won't deny I went there in search for memes when I was younger, but I always needed to wash my hands afterwards. And yes, I'm a bit bitter about the whole thing. I loved twitter for political analysis, art groups and just getting a relative feel about the world. Now, the opinions you see highlighted are just signaling that someone is dumb enough to pay Elon $8 a month. No credentials, no expertise, just money. I even made quite a bit of dough with my Twitter stock and still believe it was...

Version 2: Hustle: Whenever I make the mistake of logging into LinkedIn, all I find are regurgitations of regurgitations of regurgitations. You'll find  posts titled "Don't fire your staff to success", and they get 10,000 likes and a few hundred 'amen's. "Your staff are people, too" 7,000 thinky faces and a few 'interesting take' comments.  Am I callous? Tired? Bored? Apathetic? Yes,  and I still I don't believe that every combination of uplifting words deserves such an enthusiastic response. Part of the problem is that everything in this current world is about churning content. You're incentivized with more followers and more opportunities the more you post stuff. Regardless of the stuff. Requotes, retweets, your opinion on an opinion on an opinion. This system makes even your most interesting contact sound like Stuart Smalley .  One time, I went with a good friend to one of these A-type events, like a Lollapalooza but only for peop...

I don't believe in karma in the spiritual sense of the word (I know, shocking!). I don't think that there's a tally of the good and bad you've done. I definitely don't believe in the more stripped down, colloquial view that if you do good you definitely get good back. There's no definite in this random world of ours.  What I do believe, is quite simple. If you do a good deed, the world has a +1 good deed. If you take a crap on society, the world has a +1 crap. The more crap in the world the more chance of getting crapped on. That should be good enough for people to do good things and avoid bad things, but nooooo. We need to have a set of invisible white-washed beings and multiple lives and heaven and hell and an invisible tally system to keep us in line.   I'm no saint. I've done things that in retrospect make me angry at myself. I've posted bile on the internet, I've taken people for granted, I've listened to and let gossip flourish, all whi...

What is it about these times? Almost everyone I talk to is considering some type of career move or has recently made a move for something different. Is it my cohort? (Genx), my age group (forties) or the world at large (Earth)? Is this what they called midlife crisis, or are we starting to look for meaning in work? 'Good luck finding significance in work', say the boomers. I have a feeling many boomers just enjoyed work as away to escape their spouses. Some, probably did it for the acquisitive power.  The desire to own things and keep up with an invisible rival seem to be a trend of post war generations, not mine*.  So far, I've found that the jobs that would fill my soul more would not fill my pockets enough to retire early and travel around comfortably. And the jobs that would fill my pockets seem like they have personal space issues. I'm currently ok with my job but it sucks out all the social energy I have to give. Management is a vampire for sure.  My wife and I fa...

  Sleeping Beauty, First of Her Name , Thorn of the Briars, Aurora of the Disneys. What a problematic tale this can be.  In the very, very initial telling of this story, the princess is straight up sexually assaulted and gives birth to children. The children suckle her fingers which removes the curse.  Of course, she marries her aggressor, to make it even more traumatic.  There's a pre-Disney version without even a kiss. In this version the prince just falls in love with the sleeping princess in the bed which wakes her, and they have a "meaningful conversation." Obviously this would not cut it in later versions, people wanted the non-consensual smooch.  While it has kind of problematic origins, one of the most important lessons of this story is simple: Make sure you invite crotchety, reclusive ladies to your parties. Can you believe this is all because a fairy, witch, or whatever was irked for not being invited to a party? Jeesh talk about a harsh punishment! On...

  I have a treasonous resting face. Whatever is going through my brain at any period will be transmitted 100% to the face continuously, non-stop. Whether it is joy, sadness, confusion or blankness... you'll get it all. It's problematic. This week in the office we found that a mouse had been caught by one of those sticky pad traps. I hate those traps and I've removed them from the floor, but this one was replaced by a janitor. The poor little guy was stuck in there and we were told to put it in the trash. I did, because it was the morning and I wanted to have my team get on with their work. Talk about the Stanley Milgram effect. If facilities would've told me to kill it I may have. Later on, my conscience woke up. I went back to the trash, jumped in, took the guy and cut as much of the trap as I could. He was left with some cardboard shoes and a big section of cardboard in his back. Looked a bit like an origami turtle. I saw him wander off and I had two thoughts. One p...

These two have been flirting with each other since day one! Sure the Joker technically murders Batman's first protégé in some universes, but that just screams of attention-seeking. Many times they've pondered that they wouldn't live without each other, so why not make it official? Who's your dream fictional 'ship'? For internet beginners, that's just relationshipping, putting characters  romantically together in ways the authors may or may not have intended. Don't google it though, it's a direct line to the internet's darkest corners! You may be wondering if Firefly's Kaylee and Malcom would've made a good pair and you end up with Eeyore getting railed by Tigger within like nanoseconds. Extra Panel:

It is 2023 and I still feel like it's taboo to talk about mental health at work. How many of you actually say that you need to work out some issues with anger or that you're too depressed to get out of bed or that you suffered an anxiety attack? At least for me, I always come up with something... migraines, pets, household issues, family issues, family with household iss ues, pets with migraines  or  an y permutation thereof. Thankfully I'm currently really healthy so I can use some of these excuses. I wonder what great people in history used as excuses in the past? Did George Washington miss drills to 'tend to his cherry tree'? Did Alexander the Great have elephants mysteriously needing vet appointments before council meetings? Did Genghis Khan use Kublai Khan being sick as an excuse before a raid? Probably not.  The sad thing about suffering from a mental health issue, for me at least, is that there are but a few examples of successful, laudable people who endured...

Some days, I have semi legit ideas. Other days I wake up with like ‘what if dinos evolved, and made all the same mistakes we are doing, before they died out’. It’s not my best work but, as you know, I am awful at throwing away ideas. And I have no ideas about how to make this one better.  So enjoy! I drew this while on a plane going on a necessary vacation. Last week I suffered from a severe depressive episode, a stronger one than I’ve had in a long time. As quick as it came, it left (obligatory ‘that’s what she said’) so everything is peachy again. I do love that slowly but surely discussions about mental health are being destigmatized. One of our senators in the USA committed himself for a severe and lasting episode and I just wonder what did high profile people do in the past? Did they hide, drink, or made terminal bad decisions? Reach out if you ever want to talk, I’m a firm believer in surviving this.  Don’t know when the next comic one will come or even if it will be as ...

In the very original works, the Red Riding Hood character is simply eaten by the wolf.  In future versions, she tortures the wolf by performing a macabre surgery that eventually and painfully kills it. In a second part made by the Grimm's, she even hunts down another wolf! What can I say, I love picturing a Red Riding Hood who, far from a victim, chased down wolves to murder for the rest of her life.  Extra panel:  Rejected ideas. Do you have more? I'll draw them!

It is pretty funny how NRA aficionados focus on where shootings are happening or the particular root issues of the shooter . By funny, of course, I mean horrendously deceptive.  There's the direct cause of angry males having access to guns that they somehow always skip over.  The main reason I don’t like Joe Rogan is that he imprinted into his easily convinced audience the simplistic retort “This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem.” That was like a million shootings ago and people still say it! People gloss over the fact that Joe is implying we are crazier than the rest of the world. Or forgetting to imply that we could have both problems.  It's tantamount to looking at traffic accidents around a city and focusing on the locations and motivations of the culprits (valuable variables on themselves), but completely ignoring a total lack of safety systems in the intersections.  We need stronger laws for who gets access to guns. Yes, thi...

I love classic fairy tales. Even as a child, I wanted the straight up gore-filled authentic fairy tales. Children painfully murdered, stepmothers horribly abusing their new kids, incarceration, cannibals, give me that hardcore horror. It's easy to see how these tales might have taught kids not to jump into whatever the 1800's version of a van with tinted windows was. Even Rapunzel was all about human trafficking and follicular torture. The dude that tries to save her falls into a thorny bush and loses his eyes.  And of course, many of these tales introduced the biggest horror of them all: the happily ever after. Typically this occurs when people marry rich and move to a castle. As but a wee child, I felt like this was a terrible thing to push... that you'll only be happy when you marry. Why doesn't Snow White become a renowned novelist? Why can't Rapunzel be an interior decorator? Sleeping Beauty could be a marketing director for Ghostbed. All these ladies could be ...

You may hate this post, but it is entirely accurate and based on peer-reviewed data (drunken conversations with my friends). Individuality; what a slippery slope that is. Too little, and you are prone to manipulations and targeted ads.  Too much, and they may name a disease after you.  Symbols have been so interesting in the United States lately. The untrod snek used to mean a rebellious person in love with their inalienable rights, but now you see it next to pleas for abortion prohibitions. You may see a love sticker to Jesus, next to a beloved cartoon peeing on your feelings. Confederate flags in cars with license plates that didn't lose the Civil War.  However, in general, you can always tell the type of people behind the wheel with more accuracy than your typical Buzzfeed quiz. If you disagree, sound off in the comments!

I love media that takes a turn. In literature, garden path sentences take the reader on a journey and then whammo...  the last part of the sentence goes elsewhere through grammatical trickery. Examples of that: -The horse raced past the barn fell. -The old man the boat. -The florist sent the flowers was pleased. -The cotton clothing is made of grows in Mississippi. In cinema, I hate to say it, but one of the best examples is still The Sixth Sense. The way you understand the movie completely changes after the 'tweeest' . Everything you just saw for one hour and a half had to be reframed. Has anything since that movie really snuck up on you? In video games, Knight of the Old Republic really did a number on the player, as we found out (spoiler for a 20 year old game to follow) that the character we've been playing was the evil douche we've been chasing all along.  In real life, I guess we can say 2016 was a good example. Up to that point most people believed that the USA h...

I think the moral of the story here is, uhm, not to subcontract your proposal. It was easier to avoid doing that before. Nowadays, it seems you have to have a photographer, a scriptwriter and a social media intern, just to get hitched. Back in the old days (2015) you just arm-wrestled the lady’s dad and ran a few fetch quests for the mom. But, no, things have to be so complicated and showy these days. You can’t just like find out what sex your child will be, you gotta invite a few people and risk first-degree burns. You have to film the whole thing and have a commentary track, explaining exactly how much C4 you used on the giant paper mache uterus.  None of the young people these days get to be engaged spontaneously with a 30-cent ring, drunk off your asses and each other in a foreign shore, and it shows. Honestly I feel bad for my fellow introverts, this new world seems to have a higher and higher cost for just living and being present. You have to be there with intensity, with vi...

I love stonks! I'm a boring stock owner though, no options, no meme stocks, no timing the market. I buy companies that I believe will have growth over 10 years and I hold them.  It's literally the watching-glaciers-melt of the stock world, but it's served me well. During the height of our last bull market I got a bit carried away and tested out some new things, like options, meme stocks and a few alt coins. I won some and lost some more last year, but it felt a lot more like gambling than investing.  I met tons of peeps like my version of Cocaine Bear during that time. They all gave me the whole stock-broker-on-copious-amounts-of-blow vibe. Because what could go wrong when you combine financial decisions with a drug that makes you feel unbeatable and overfilled with confidence? I can't wait for the movie Cocaine Bear, but I think my version would be fly AF too.  

Sometimes, I am driven by an idea. Like "how do I draw the effects of algorithms ?", or "why do some groups love people who rock bottom ?" Today, I'm driven by "what if Batman was dumb dog lol". I never said I was proud of what I do, how I do it or why I do it. It just is. Extra Panel…   

  To be completely honest, I didn't read Flowers in The Attic. Somehow a school friend read it or saw the movie and then told me the plot. Just this second hand retelling was enough to traumatize my young head. Incest, death and starvation will do that to you. It's crazy how trauma works, I dont remember what I had for dinner yesterday (Sorry Noom!), but I remember clearly the retelling of this story or the section in IT with the crawling eye or Luke losing his hand. Extra Panel: For some reason, my dad showed me Carrie when I was but a young lad. The image of the pig blood running down her face is burned in my hippocampus even more permanently than looking both ways to cross the street. Crazy stuff, trauma!  Notes: Our friend Tommy constantly tells me I should do one panels. I owe him one so, this is my attempt at that!

Deep, deep inside, I am an optimist. I don't let that side of me come out that often, because I think death, dystopia and destruction are way funnier and more entertaining.  I question my own use of a city as an example of humanity in disarray, but visually, it's the best way I could come up to display all of the stuff we are capable of doing in one panel. Personally my dystopia is a farmhouse upstate with neighborhood patrols and heavily armed "good guys" making sure there's no undesirables. A place where you need to use a car for everything you do and where solitude and a diet of everclear and deer makes you wonder if that Trump guy had some valid points. The kind of place in which you can yell at the wind and wonder when the open border policy you learned about in your loud cable news show will show up at your door. That’s hell on earth for me! Extra panel: 

  This week around my wife’s birthday I started thinking about all the ways she and women have had to do everything I do plus so much more.  They were talking in the radio about menopause and work, and how it is usually something kept under wraps. Additionally, they mentioned how some women had no idea this process can have its start as early as the thirties. Some women were so unaware, that they didn’t recognize menopause until it was already partly through! I spend a lot of time demystifying mental health issues and I wanted to make sure I recognize that women have some special biological and psychological processes that are also seldom discussed.  To Roxanne, I see you. You’ve handled this and other issues so well! Do you imagine me going through menopause? Based on how I react to colds, I would probably wallow in self-pity and make stupid jokes about it! I am forever humbled by your strength and I have no doubt in my mind that you and every other woman out there are a...

This is one of the greatest ironies in the pharmacological world. Through sheer happenstance they found a medication that actually helps with depression symptoms. However, one of the most common side effects is the inability to achieve a literal orgasm, or to want to participate in sex. So you finally get the energy to say yes to that orgy e-vite, but you can't actually enjoy it as much. To this day it's not like I advertise that I'm on medication. Nobody does, even though as much as 13% of ALL adults in the US take them. And it's more staggering the older you get.  What is that shame that comes along with needing something external to stifle the darkness?  I know part of the answer. The moment you mention you're taking medication, there's 100 voices telling you that you wouldn't be depressed if you just exercised more, ate better, meditated, joined a club, found jesus, wrote, cooked, lifted, art-ed, cut social media, hire a life coach, went to a specific th...

One thing I wasn't prepared for when I became a manager was the snitching. A few of the people I supervise love throwing other people under the bus. I have my own data, I can see what's up. It feels so weird to me that they feel the need to tell me who they think sucks, who speaks ill of me or who is on their underwear all day while working form home. That's information I couldn't care less about. I can tell some of them are frustrated because I don't bite, don't ask for more "tasty goss." In this era of worker empowerment we should just be focused on our own journey, why should an employee have to also burden themselves with what others are doing? The way I see it, I'm freeing them from that preoccupation.

One of the biggest ironies of the world is that to keep safe the things we love we have to hide their beauty from the world. Ferraris live under tarps, fine jewelry in old wooden boxes and our phones on cases or with nasty screen protectors. I'm sure that's why my wife buys me hideous shirts, to keep me safe from predators. Just kidding, I'm just checking up t see if she still reads my blog. Growing up in Venezuela I learned at an early age to hide any wealth. "They'll kill you for your shoes!", I often heard. And they sure did sometimes. My interest in shiny things has never been vast, even after I emigrated. It's telling that I have the ugliest car and shoes in the team of 27 I work with, and I'm the manager! The only time I see the special edition colors of my phones are 30 minutes after I buy them and 1 week before I trade them. Extra Panel: Padme with a Case  

Before the fated year of our lord 2020, we had built a life of our own. We had made things, signed off on things, cleared our schedules of things to make space for other things, organized things, arranged things, got recognized for things. Dammit we did the things! We had a life. We were actually pretty proud of our lives.  All agency has been lost since then. All we are known for in our town is this pair of dog-forsaken animals. They're not even that well-made. Our first vet told us that they are "structurally off". One of them is a biter and a blepper. The other is a serial licker and has a literal hole in her head.  That's our current legacy in our hood.  And this is a true story, as we were walking out of a musical event in downtown Kalamazoo, we overheard a kid calling us the Chihuahua People.  Our reaction in real life was more like this:

I pity the people the GOP pander to. If their messaging is about being anti-woke, who are they trying to appeal to, the asleep? They’re anti-Antifa, are they Profa? Would they call Hitler their daddy and ask to be spanked? Think of the dumbed down messaging they throw around: "build the wall", "make America great again", "all lives matter". These are slogans for scared, simple people who can't handle nuance.  They think so little of their constituents that they truly believe all they have to do is put a guy like Herschel Walker on the ticket. Republicans are not dumb, however. They have successfully sold anti-immigration to religious immigrants. There's humans in my sphere that have been both illegal immigrants and pro-Trump. Republicans make this happen by aligning with quick-bite issues du jour .  Having trouble with the multiple pronouns and terms emerging out of the LGBQT community? "Join us, we don't even try!" Worried that books...

Before 2020 we were normal people. We never even considered having a small dog, let alone two. As the coronavirus raged, we found ourselves in a narrowing corridor that led to the acquisition of the weirdest, most undogly of beings. I still don't understand their place in the universe, which works out well because I don't understand my place in the universe. One time, as a youngster, my friends and I were inexplicably burdened with the care of a peer who had ingested copious amounts of LSD. Those harrowing hours are the closest I've ever been to what my current life is right now. These beings oscillate between trying to murder your face and being the most adorable things I've ever held.  They go berserker mode on animals 10x their size. They drop down and ask for belly rubs, posing like hairy French girls. These are unknowable beings.  We have less friends now that we did before COVID. Is it because of COVID or our monsters? Social distancing or simply avoiding the ...