135. Anxiety All The Way Down


Anxiety comes at me in waves. Sometimes I am perfectly satisfied with this hard wrought life I’ve made for myself, complete with a wife, home and community. The next second I am obsessing about having to meet people and how am I going to find and wear the proper pants for said meeting (and I only have like two pairs of pants). 

 One time, I had so much anxiety about my choices in the board game Pandemic Legacy that I ruined that game forever. I still think about all those diseased millions we left uncured in Shanghai.

There’s objective reasons for my current bout with anxiety. I have a new job, a new commute, a new culture to shape and change. Anxiety is attacking me routinely. The self talk is obsessive and the feeling in my chest is pervasive. Some days are better than others, but last week it was off the charts. I daydream of an incompetent personified anxiety.

The best I've been feeling lately is when I volunteer after work. I feel like I’ve contributed, I feel like I’m valuable, I feel like I belong. It’s helping me through this turbulence. I hate preaching, but since I’ve been told to go to the gym to ease my neuroses since I was 12 years old, I’ll preach back: volunteering is my current biggest anxiety reducer.  Your mileage may vary, so find the thing that helps, but don’t expect it to be what other people tell you. It's definitely not wicked gains in a gym for me.

Extra Panel:



Comments

  1. DougNovember 21, 2019 at 8:05 PM

    Congratulations Eduardo on the new job. I love your imagining the anxiety as a whole character with a significant part to play in your internal conversations. I do the same, along with other significant emotions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BanalhemorrhageNovember 22, 2019 at 10:29 PM

      Thanks! It’s a big theme with me, personified psychological processes.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Say some words, if you’d like!

Popular posts from this blog

92. Never Google Your Doppleganger

Image
In my lifetime I have been told that I look exactly like some people that I would consider to be not perfect replicas of me. Maybe I have a better self esteem than I project, but I feel like I don’t look like “ The Critic ”; as was earnestly expressed by a girl on a (first and only) date. Other twinsies I’ve been professed to have: Steven Wright Tony Hale Stephen Miller (Aaaaargh) Dr. Katz I don’t know. Maybe I’m vain, but I always pictured me as more of a Luke-Perry-with-a-really-bad-hair-day type. It’s funny how I have a pretty sturdy love and acceptance of my own physique, and yet my self esteem about other things (like being a functional adult in this crazy world) is pretty dismal.
CLICK FOR FULL COMIC

266. Collateral Splashing

Image
We recently installed a bidet in in our toilet. It was one of those external thingies you install between the toilet lid and the base. It was a fun project for us, we learned a lot about fighting in confined spaces.  It took me a few weeks before I could use it without giggling. This thing has no chill, you either preserve your butt integrity or you get blasted a couple of inches into undiscovered country. After a couple of weeks, though, it did become part of my routine. I soon noticed the collateral splash and I haven't stopped mentioning it, to my own (and only my own) amusement. This comic is an homage to Larry David’s humor and lasting appeal.  Like many of you, I’ve been on a Curb your Enthusiasm joyride lately. For some reason, I wasn’t interested in the show until recently, even though Larry David rants are extremely and historically resonant with me. I think my favorite part of the show is Cheryl’s disappointed/harried face and LD’s inability to detect it while riffin...
CLICK FOR FULL COMIC

274. Agrarian Contrarians

Image
The rural and urban divide has plagued humanity since before the actual great plague. Rural people did atrocities to foreigners, like blaming the Jews for the plague and murdering them. However, even in all their fears of others, they were always pro-monarchy. During the French Revolution, the feudal rural peasants wanted a revolution but also wanted to keep the monarchy. For some reason, being in the countryside has always rhymed with xenophobia and authoritarianist beliefs.  I know why urban voters are different, they're different because they live alongside minorities and immigrants and other people in a higher density. As I've said before, being around different cultures is a cure for hate.  What I don't understand is what makes rural folk the way they are. Why are they afraid of people they may never meet? Why do they want a strong daddy to tell them what to do? Most rural people I know pride themselves in their know-how and independence... why is that correlated wit...
CLICK FOR FULL COMIC

285. Regrets, too few to mention

Image
If you are one of the two or three people that read my blog with any form of consistency, you may have  noticed one thing. I’m a momma’s boy. Unashamedly, my mother is my hero. I ask her for advice constantly and I will never stop trying to honor her. In chauvinistic Venezuela during the chauvinistic 80s, a single mom of two, working in the chauvinistic profession of engineering, faced many challenges. What made her able to surmount her challenges was her determination to prove herself to herself at all times. She didn’t want to be seen as a woman doing a man’s job; she wanted to show the world what she could achieve. I only learned this later in life, but she doesn’t identify as a feminist, even though most people who knew her would consider her one. She identifies as a person that can do anything she sets her mind to. She’s incredibly driven. When I asked her what motivated her, she said that when she starts a new job, she looks at her boss and asks, ‘How can I become their boss ...
CLICK FOR FULL COMIC

273. Knowing Nod

Image
I visited my mom last week. I asked my mom if she ever nods knowingly without a clue about what people are talking about. She said no. She said that she would always say “I have no idea what you are talking about”. You know what? I believe her. She would keep it simple and stop the conversation and ask for more details. But then, I thought a little harder and distinctly recall her nodding as I was explaining to her the junction system in Final Fantasy VIII and I know for a fact that she can’t tell her blizzarra from her blizzaga. Perhaps she does care about us and wants to make us feel like we're interesting. Other people I consulted with said that they have in fact, nodded along in ignorance. Those are my people. Acting like you are following along to avoid long interactions and explanations is my jam. If you’re curious enough you can google later without the whiff of social anxiety hanging in the air.  Of course, at work it's another matter. You can't George Constanza you...
CLICK FOR FULL COMIC

263. Scents and Sensibility

Image
So, I wrote and drew this one under the debilitating effects of sobriety. As we approach the end of our self-imposed experiment (dry January), a few of things are apparent. First, it was difficult. It being difficult was the point. I think it’s important to realize what has a hold of you and to what extent. I use alcohol for destressing and sometimes to enhance other things, like dining and gaming. Second, I can see why some people choose the chaste path of sobriety. In general, I found  myself to be more emotional and a bit down during this period. Before figuring out more about the effects of boozing , I think I need to understand more about the effects of sobriety. Why did I find myself so sensitive to despair and negativity this month?  I had to live with it for a whole month, without the seductive embrace of alcohol. What is affecting my mood so?  For all intents and purposes  I have a life that has exceeded my expectations. I get to travel and eat weird  t...
CLICK FOR FULL COMIC

265. Puppet Show

Image
Let me begin this by saying that in the current contest, I will vote for Biden happily and heartily. I am a Biden apologist, I’ve liked him since the Obama years. His gaffes are the gaffes of a boomer who has seen the world evolve and is trying to stay with it and not against it.  That said, he’s old AF. Trump is old AF. This makes me out to be an ageist, I believe. In my defense, most of my friends will be octogenarians. Here’s the thing, I don’t think that these candidates are too old to do the job, I just think that the crown could have been ceded to a properly coached and introduced successor with enough time. They’ve both experienced their share of success, shouldn’t the goal be to show humility and sweep the floor in front of newer generations? I don’t know if it’s because of internal polling or because of ego that Biden is considered the best choice for the United States. Whatever intel they used may have been flawed. In my mind, I dreamt of a Biden introducing some of his f...
CLICK FOR FULL COMIC